In search of suaveness…

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In the midst of the despicable realm, losing my voice, you need to find a place where you can assert your canny as well as uncanny thoughts. Similarly, I came in search to find my lost voice, which comes straight from my soul, where I don’t need to forge to be a part of the society.

Peace has become like a great dream for us. The calmness we used to have has vanished with the rapidly changing world and alongwith it truthfulness and humanity has also followed it. We just fake around to be considered normal. No matter what, our every decision definitely has an impact of society. Social life is just to say, everyone tries to create a false image of themselves to fit in.

For us sophisticated beings mean to behave according to the people around us, no one has their own personality. Each of us are masked with imitation under the masks of our identity.And so, maybe I’m here to justify myself, breathe freely and to create a difference. I hope you relate to my words. Maybe you’re too trying to unmask yourself like me.

Thank you !

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One of those days I dread

Yet another day feels like surviving
Mind you, I didn’t say living.
My emotions have gone for a picnic
And unaware I’m, of their return.
The little boy I adore so much,
Whose mischief I deeply enjoy;
Seeing him being jolly all over,
Surprised I was with a cold face,
For not being feeling light.
His tantrums continued for a good long hour,
But I failed to even manage a smile.
I suppose it’s one of those days I dread.

The one of other days, highly intense they are.
My emotions all over the place,
My mind unable to get a hold of them
How excruciating the pain gets!
For there is fear of letting tears down
The face turns pink which usually is brown.
Every petite discussion opens the tap of tears,
I suppose it’s one of those days, I dread.

Detachment

I don’t think I need to address my irregularity anymore. I’m officially detached from this life in all aspects.
There was a time when I wanted to free myself from the pain I was going through on a daily basis. I tried to sabotage it as much as possible. Eventually, the pain was suppressed, yay! But I didn’t realize it’s consequences. And here I’m, trying to analyze it.
It’s been months since I felt that immense pain I used to feel before but neither have I felt any sort of enthusiasm, excitement, happiness. Oh! But I have definitely felt moments of great anxiety some times, it’s stuck with me. And recently, I was forced to see this detachment. It all became clear to me, I’m sort of dead inside, I haven’t been able to feel things spiritually, emotionally and physically. What’s more dangerous is that I’m not tad bit worried about it considering I’ve become emotionless. But at least, I have this basic feeling that I do not want to live like this, I do want to feel the rush a person gets before doing something new, the happiness a person feels for even small achievements. I want to be eager and passionate about the things I used to love before. And also, I do want to feel the desolation but in moderation. It’s actually quite sad, how I’ve become.
The detachment doesn’t feel great as I thought it would back when I was in immense immense pain.
I’ve taken steps to overcome it and that’s progress! However, let’s see where I find myself in a month. Good luck to me and all other going through the same things. 🙂

An open letter

Sternly, I claim of not being in you
Actually, not being into anyone.
Considering myself tough, I breathe
Not a soft skin for you, I announce.
The days when I don’t see you,
Atleast a second, I think of you.
The few hours I see you ,hiding my stares,
Is enough for me to have your frame.
And what I feel is utter shame
Because, it’s unfair to you, boy
To be liked by a worthless toy.
I resent you, not completely though.
For I tried, this feeling to go.
I failed and came back to the circle
Because it seems there’s no end to it.
It’s a fussy loop I’m stuck in
But I don’t ask you to let me lean.
Carrying a conscious smile, everyday, I pass you
Trying hard not to turn blue.
Lucky I’m, of you not having a clue.
Else, I would see myself exile,
Running away, for miles.

I Applied to 200 Jobs and All I Got Was This Moderate-Severe Depression

This is so shocking, had idea that it’s a difficult life for humanities students but this is cruel and miserable.

Bertha Mason's Attic

“And when everything else is gone, you can be rich in loss.”

– Rebecca Solnit, A Field Guide to Getting Lost

About Me, Your Friendly Neighborhood Millennial:

I was your garden-variety smart kid, shuffled through GATE programs of every type from kindergarten onward. In sixth grade, I left the classroom in the afternoons to study Latin roots with our school’s principal for the spelling bee circuit. As you can probably imagine, I was bullied a lot (Apparently, no one likes a first-grader who says “in addition to” instead of “and.”). I went to a competitive high school near Silicon Valley, where– with my AP courses– I had a 4.0 cumulative GPA, but was not in the top 10% of my class.

After getting summarily rejected from the Ivies, I went to a small university in Oregon, where I worked harder than I thought possible to graduate a year early with…

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How NOT to expect?

Haven’t we all been told, don’t expect anything from anyone, it will lead you to disappointment? But I never understood or rather learnt NOT to expect from people. I recurringly expect that a person will change his/her behavior after being repeatedly told that they have to bring change in themselves.

So many times, my mother explained me stop waiting people to change, instead change yourself in such a way that their manner don’t bother you. And you know what, she is absolutely correct, but I never ever get the art of not expecting’ . Every time, I have this inner feeling that someday, they will change for the sake of their family or for themselves atleast but every single time, my expectations are led down.

With every passing year, unknowingly I’ve managed to expect less but have still not learnt to do it at all. Every incident hurts less but it does hurt and I let myself break down each time. It’s an ongoing process, I guess.

This is all I wonder, how do people not expect. I know, it maintains happiness and positivity in your life but there obviously must be a process, process where you discard your expectations. How do you do it?

HOW?

 

How does change occur?

Hi!

Today, I felt like I should be talking about change because I had an interesting conversation with my mother today. After the conversation we had, I started to think more deeply about it and I gathered many points for it, which I suppose, might be interesting to write about.

So, the conversation I had with my mother was about #metoo movement and rape culture in India. This morning as I was reading newspaper, there was this advertisement of MenXP’s video on #metoo, I got this sudden memory of years ago, when my grandfather was admit and we had gone to visit him to the hospital. There I went with my aunt to the pharmacy where we passed through the canteen and there were two girls, one of them wearing denim shorts (it was a hospital which also had medical school). I remember vividly, my aunt saying, “chote chote kapde pehente aur phir bolte hai rape hota hai” (girls wear short clothes and then complain about getting raped). It was many years ago, I was too young to analyze she was extremely offensive when she commented like that. This was also the time when the Nirbhaya-Delhi gang rape case had recently occurred. I told my mom about this, adding that, in western countries they dress more openly but the percentage of rapes and harassment is still low compared to our country. She answered that literacy rate of our country is low compared to theirs and women should realize this and avoid wearing short clothes.

I was not convinced with her answer and asked her how will that change? When will men completely get comfortable with women wearing anything around them, because one thing is for sure, men wear anything and we women hardly say anything. I shared with her my point of view, saying when women will take action that is when change will come, that is when men will get uncomfortable due to the change and will try to be comfortable around it. Moreover, it’s not about short clothes, its how men, since ages have exerted their powers over women. They consider themselves more superior and independent. Women, since ages have been dependent and when that changes, men get insecure and try to force their power on women. And by saying this, I don’t mean all men, not all are like that.

It has always been the change that has brought difference in perception of society. Savitribai Phule spread the message of women education by first educating herself, even though it meant getting beaten by stones everyday. She must have felt that women should get educated, it’s their right and hence she took action. She didn’t just sit there and talked about it but took action. Or that women ought to know how to cook but men? Doesn’t matter! It is changing now, isn’t it? Because women demand to share responsibilities and duties and don’t compromise. Women have been excelling everywhere, haven’t they? All the fruits of change.

It all happened because whenever they thought that this isn’t right, they retaliated, they took action and fought for it until it changed. We haven’t still attained equality though. You see, women getting harassed and raped is a severe issue but a men going through the same thing, not much, eh? You tell me, whenever you came across the news of men getting raped, what was your first reaction, a little giggle? Or, the belief, ‘Men don’t cry’ is again something disturbing and thankfully there have been people making awareness about it, that men, like a normal human being, CRY. All this because of…change?

What I mean by all this is, how people who thought that some things needs to be changed took action for it and just didn’t sit and talked big. An idea of change, that hasn’t been tried, is not a change.

I would end by quoting Mahatma Gandhi, “Be the change you want to see.”

Thank you. =D

Tragedy

Few years ago, if you informed me about the petty good happenings around me, I would express it laughingly, reciting you how it makes me so ecstatic that its mere occurrence is so cheerful. Being a happy-go-lucky person was so gratifying. Every bad omen was reacted by an affirmative approach.

But time has changed, a major hindrance doesn’t bother me anymore. There was a time when I used to worry about my image in other’s mind, however today, it’s my least concern. A small good news seems like any other piece of information to me. I stare in the mirror and all I can see is how my pudgy face has become indifferent towards antithetic emotions.

I have become so numb to eventuality that i fear sometimes, is it healthy?

I wonder to myself, how tragic it is, the moments where I should be jumping to my excitement, hardly makes my lip smile.

Why I want to remain anonymous?

Hi.

I recently changed my site name and username to ‘pseudonymousss’ from ‘striplingthoughts’. Why, you ask?

To be honest, I wish I had the accurate answer but I don’t; however, I’m trying to explain it. Well, to guess, I ,supposedly, am much comfortable being unknown rather than being known. Though, there are people who know me in person, following me, but yeah, I’ll still be unidentified, I’m hoping.

To be more ardent, being or rather suffering with low self esteem, is undoubtedly, a battle in itself. I have observed one thing about me, which is so ridiculously flawed yet undeniably constant, that when someone criticizes me (mostly constructive criticism and seldom negatively or to be more lucid mockingly) I presume it to be absolutely correct ; like, “yeah, you’re right, that is so true and I’m this way!” (meanwhile I’m burning with embarassment, shame, agony, rage inside for being this way) . Whereas, when someone compliments me about anything I just take it as a formal appreciation, something that is ritualistically said, and they don’t actually mean it. Are you getting my point? *sighs*

Whenever, I have published a blog, I’ve shared it on all my social media platforms and apparently after a short period of time, few people respond and give feedback. Some personally groove about how good my blog was. For instance, recently my friend read my blogs and was being too appreciative about it and that I’m way too good at writing but somewhere I felt it was all flattering he was doing and he doesn’t even mean it. One day, sitting idly, I asked myself, why do I underestimate myself so much? Am I that bad, that i don’t believe in my own potential?

Recently, I published a blog, ‘Is motivation enough?’ and I was (maybe that was wrong of me) expecting little bit of kind words from people, not to be mistaken with advice (definitely not advice because it was quite clear through my post). Because, why not? I was surpisingly quite open about myself but the outcome turned out to be so opposite of my hopes. One of them wrote a paragraph advising me, other user kind of made a baseless comment. Discouraged! Not with people but with myself.

I’m so sensitive to criticism and appreciation and I know I shouldn’t be like this and that I should change myself. BUT, it is easier said than done. It’s going to take time to change myself but with everything still happening the same way around me, it would be difficult. So, that is why I decided to change my username and site name.

Lastly, I did not ever mean that the readers of my blog shouldn’t share their feedback and views. I want to interact and know all your opinions. So, this post is in no way, directed towards someone but is quite a general post. 🙂

Thank you for reading till the last! Means a lot to me.

Being reticent

There are so many things I want to literally just blurt out but somehow I’m not able to! Have I lost my voice? I don’t feel like..urgh! I don’t know. No words just the noise which I should make outside is eating me internally!

This speaks for me

Is motivation enough?

Well, if you’re following my blogs you must have noticed my constant irregularity. Even writing this one after few months. Why? Well, on my defense, I would say I never get this great idea to write about. But, mostly, it’s my sluggishness. Yes, I’m accepting my fault. On the other hand, I really do wish to just express my feelings but I’m never able to reach the keypad due to fear of being judged. You see, I really feel so pumped up when I articulate my feelings into such a beautiful and thoughtful blog, in my mind though, but never have the courage to type it out. As I mentioned, I have a fear of being jugded which again made me think, is getting motivated enough? And the answer I got is, no.

To be honest, I’m a person who is highly low on self-esteem. Since, last two years, I’ve become astonishingly quiet. Some insecurities creeped in, few unfavorable crisis occured and I let those things affect me. And how much I try, there is no way I’m able to get back to the person I was. Sometimes, it scares me how will I get through this? Will I ever get through this? According to me, if you’re low on confidence, no amount of motivation is ever going to accelerate you. Honestly, in a day, there is atleast one moment when I feel so amazingly inspired by my own ideas and like in a minute it vanishes away. Is it my laziness or it has more to it?

This time around I’m again for the nth time TRYING to bring a change in me, to make a difference in my approach, to be able to sustain my esteem in a crowd, to get rid of the annoying dullness I have or I may have created myself. But, let me tell you, it’s not easy because I know I’m getting motivated but there are other things that needs to be taken care of and I’m clueless how to do it?

There are times when I want to completely end all the elements which is holding me back but then suddenly i find myself losing my voice. It might sound bizarre to many of you but yes, it happens and I have no idea how to deal with it. Over the course of two years, the only thing that has remained consistent is my diminishing voice. Now, instead of expressing myself I back with ignorance. Maybe I find it easy but I guess if I vent it all out I could make way for some positivity and I might succeed in overcoming every hard emotions.

I kind of vented it out here, too, didn’t I?

A little revelation, my purpose to start a blog was for writing such stuff, being able to explain myself, my state of mind vividly yet indirectly. I’m getting overwhelmed now, ain’t I?

I’m sure there are many like me, who have low self-esteem and trying to let go of such demons but something is holding them back. For all I know, I’m not alone, you’re not alone, infact we’re never alone and that’s why we can help each other in getting through this, TOGETHER!

Please feel free to share what’s holding you back!

Thank you! 🙂

Maybe

Maybe I would have been a different person today,
If I’d learn to let go things.
Maybe, I did be a happier person.

If I had stopped to let everything hurt me.
Maybe, I would have been a different person,
If I stopped caring what people think.
Maybe, I think everyday.

Maybe, if I stopped believing in things,
That someone is out there to save me.
Maybe, if I stop waiting,
For everything to fell in right place.
Maybe, the day my soul will appease.

Maybe, if I put it in my head deep,
That nothing is going to get back in place.
Maybe, if I learn to slaughter my hope,
I’d be better off then.
Maybe.

The person I’ve become

For days, I’ve been sitting in dark
Cluelessly, I wonder why am I not wondering.
As nothing around me is a matter to me
And still scared I’m to step out.

No other feelings reach my heart
Only thing I act for is the sole grief;
It’s the only concern I surmise in brief.
The only concern that counts.

The march till here is blurry,
The only life I see is of a morose
Right now, I’m completely froze
And somehow I still run myself and bury.

Moments where I hunt for clearity,
All I find is voidness and darkness
As if there is no unraveling
To my endless grieving

– SALONI PRASAD

FANTASY.

Many people have their fantasy of a perfect imaginary world. Actually, we all have. There is this distant niche created in our mind which we want to visit but knows that this ain’t gonna happen!

I, too, have a fantasy of an imperfect place. A place where problem exists but I have the power to face it. A lay where I can go through struggles with someone along: where I’m not forced to bury my thoughts fearing judgements. A place where i fail but have the courage to get up and succeed. A place where minimal hatred exists, apparently hatred can’t be eradicated. A place where i can express myself freely. A place where I’m able to do anything i want. A place where ego doesn’t come between relations. A place where I’m confident and my self esteem is at its best. A place where i can claim to be a happy person and not a sadist. A place where i can push negative people away and can burn negative thoughts. A place where negation always loses. A place where I love my body the way it is.

Well, fantasy never always comes true and that is why my fantasy is what it is – unrealistic. I can safely say that it is my fictional fantasy or fantasy is always fictional. But, is it ?
All my fantasy conveys is that I dance my heart out, gleefully, even though i don’t how to!
What does your fantasy imply ?

WAYWARD CULTURE.

Hi,  I’m back with another blog. This time again I got hit by a random thought and went to overthink about it! But, that’s the way I function, without overthinking, hyping things, my day seems so incomplete. I’m my favourite person to talk to.

I may say that I go to myself for things I’m confused because I’m my favourite person but do I have a choice? We talk about things which seem “cool” according to society. We have stopped discussing the real matters, something that really bothers us, to each other. We have let the judgemental idealogies so much into us that we no more see it as a problem. Infact, we glare at ourselves when we do something that is odd according to the society.

We tag ourselves as progressive because we agree to the open ideas of gender equality and modern customs and technology. If a person adorns contemporary garments, he/she is seen as modernistic person but if the same person carry a traditional indian attire, he/she is automatically labelled as narrow-minded. Outer appearance is the only thing we need to decide whether he/she is capable of becoming your friend. You need to constantly maintain a bright face because people don’t bother about what actually you’re going through but they love to see you whine about all the foolish crunch.

Earlier there was a maturity to how we behaved with people. But now with the development of social media, there’re creeps who indecently blab to  people anonymously because obviously he knows, no one is ever going to discover him.

Genuinely, we are becoming more narrow-minded with proportion to the constantly developing technology. We have misunderstood the concept of modernization, progression and liberation .

We people don’t have a real life, what we have is an amazing social media life. We have stopped smiling naturally and have started posing in various ways which even professional models don’t try. We are scared to show our real selves to the mass because it might make us look “non-classy”. We are judged by the number of followers we have, also with the captions we use on our images. These are the things which makes you look eligible to befriend people. You always need to have a smiling face, keep your fashion sense up because that’s what makes you look cool. And if you’re unable to do any of this you might end up destroying your self esteem and side yourselves to a corner because people only want to have connections with the likeable people. You can show your most amazing life on social media even though you have the most boring life. Actually, we create a fascinating life and in reality we lead the most colourless life. But hey! We have to pretend, right, to be on the top?

When we go to a place, we are only occupied by capturing all the minute details in which we forget to live the amazing moments. Earlier, clicking photos was the secondary task but now if you don’t have any images of a place you visited, people don’t really believe you; the latter acts like your proof.

We really need to sit back once and ponder upon what actually we’re trying to do and why we are trying to do it. We just have this one life which shouldn’t be spent on judging, comparing and faking it. Also, we need to start talking about the real issues we have and deal with it maturely and help others too, to overcome it.

A glimpse to her insight…

At the age of frolic,

All she did was panic.

Neither did she hop,

Nor did she shriek.

A deserted bosom

She had become.

Worrying became her hobby,

Gaiety, her distant fantasy.

You try to bring her back,

She will run away from you.

Distateful Survival…

Well, writing my next blog after so long! 

There have been things keeping me busy and it’s so draining emotionally.  Life brings us so many ups and downs but sometimes, don’t we feel that it’s only disappointments and nothing else. But they say there are massive good times ahead. 

However, sometimes these bad times become part of your normal routine and you get so habituated to it that it’s impossible to get into any other environment. Well, it’s the case with me and many others. I, often, find different situations around me and initially I’m too excited to be a part of any other stage but when I’m actually present there I find myself speechless. It cringes to be there and I find ways to get out of there and go to that adapted atrocious life. It sucks but it feels that it is where you belong. You don’t feel like changing the situation, yet you feel like changing the situation. 

We do hear about how it is so arduous for some people to recover from the loss of their loved ones or the ordeal people go through when they part their ways be it any relationship. We tend to think they overdo the act of suffering but somewhere maybe they’re actually finding it too strenuous to accept the shift of things on their life. Let us not judge these people.

Anyway, my main aim is to address how stressful yet  favourable it is to be stuck in a long painful situation.  If you’re in any such situation, please get over it, it’s destroying you slowly and share it with someone who you think is mature enough to listen you. 

Let all of us resolve to get on a happier side this year and leave our agony and angst behind.

Thank you, if you find it good, like and share it. 😃

WHY ME ?

Since morning something has been disturbing me and knowing what has been disturbing me, you might too get stuck in the dilemma. There are so many unwanted incidents that has happened with me, you and us. Moreover, they are such that it keeps saddening us almost everytime. Sometimes, we get past them, sometimes we cannot. But yes, it gets attached to our lives. 

Pondering about it, all of a sudden a question struck me, WHY ME ? What was my fault that I have to go through that desolution . But alas ! I don’t have the answers to it .

Often, we ask ourselves why us ? Beacuse, many times we don’t deserve to go through that trouble but unfortunately we cannot avoid it and have to  suffer the agony.  

Poor us ! 

However, do we ever ask ourselves when we witness all the joys of world, ‘why me’ ? No, we don’t ! Oh what a fluster ! Maybe, this is the biggest unsolved mystery of our life that who holds the power to give us pain and on the other hand make us perceive the contentment . 

If you know, who beholds the power, please let me know in the comment section and please shower your likes too! If you’re liking my blogs then please share it and recommend it to your friends. 

Courage 

It had been so long, I updated something and I’m resentful for that. I had been busy with exams, that I couldn’t invest my time in writing.

So this evening, I just came across a person who has a big contribution in making me more reserved, less of confidence. Oh ! It hurts so deep to see someone who tormented you. My heart skipped a beat at the sight of that person, I suddenly felt the pain in my heart but I was helpless. Yes, I moved on but it still gave me the same grievance it did years ago but a little less.
Maybe, I became more courageous to stand my mistakes, enemies and some annoying people. Actually, you have no choice, you have to stand them, you have to undergo a major flashback of your tragic past. And, courage, is what you require to get over it and face it.  These days, I have been wondering a lot about my definition about courage, what it meant to be and what it actually is.

Courage is when we decide to do something new, something adventurous. Courage is when we trust somebody whole heartedly. Courage is when you learn how to control your emotions. Courage is when you decide to be different, when you embark on a voyage all by yourself. Courage is required to even start a conversation and yes, we have that power, only we have to find it and utilise it in productive way.

We can help ourselves but we need to just find our inner strength.
Meet you next time, keep reading. 

Darkness Behind The Dream City..

 

 The great urban life of Mumbai left me in dilemma. Being tagged as ‘ a city that never sleeps ‘ amused me with its nocturnal activities. The speedily running life of people, where even they don’t have the piece of moment to recollect what just happened with them. Always in a hurry, citizens here get into competitions just to prove their societal standards, not their individual desires. Who said urbanization freed us from the judgemental society. Instead it dragged us more into the censorious pool. The two divided mindsets of antiquity and modernity made it more dirtier. 
You can’t be comfortable in your skin because you need to have fashion according to the rapidly changing trends. Trends ! You not only need  to transform your personality but also your diction. The minds of people becoming monotonous, public gatherings are no more pleasant to attend. The city, once considered as the rapidly progressing place, has justified itself, that the progress was only meant to be technological. If you ponder upon it deeply, you might anticipate we’ve been stepping backwards morally, humanity taking a backseat .

   But still, there are few humanly people still alive and we can see them in discrete forms. Taking care of animals,being polite even with the non deserving ones, going out of the box to be there for their loved ones is what I find quite humanly. This city makes you go through almost crazy things. The life over here is always suprising. 

  But oh ! We love this city despite of its oddity. The diversity, amenities which has reached the international level, opportunities is what seems so alluring over here. Also, like calm people we tend to ignore the wrong things too. But yes, we can reconstruct it into a better place just by changing ourselves into morally responsible citizens.

Thank you ! 

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